Breaking Tradition.

Something has to change. The holiday season has become a period of great darkness for me. My journey with depression and anxiety hits a new level as the seasonal reminders start showing up. It's usually in October, when a cloud of darkness seems to find me, hover, and knock me down. I lost my mother three years ago, and my symptoms magnified. Over these last three holiday seasons, I have not been well. I’ve experienced various emotions, from sad, angry, irritable, pained, and lost. Last year was probably the worst. But, because I’m a people pleaser and always go all out for the holidays, I pushed through my own personal hell to ensure everyone around me had the best Christmas. Everyone but me. 

My husband saw what I went through and tried to help. But I had gotten as deep as I always do in the holiday busyness: from baking to shopping for five adult kids, their spouses, six grandkids, my husband, and extended family and friends. And let us not forget the Fall and then the Christmas decorations donned throughout the house. I put on a good show, forcing smiles and conversations, but inside I was numb.

Thanksgiving was a favorite holiday for my mom. She loved to cook a big meal and have the whole family together. We spent many years at my parents' home celebrating the holiday. It was never “my” holiday, but I loved spending it with my parents at their home. Baking pies—apple and pumpkin—was my contribution. Since Mom has passed, Thanksgiving just hasn’t been the same. We’ve kept it pretty quiet and opted for dining out. I’m okay with breaking that tradition, but there’s still angst in my heart, grieving what once was. We must accept that sometimes things need to change to free us from what no longer brings us joy or peace.

Now, Christmas—that’s a whole thing in itself! Christmas Eve was filled with last-minute-to-do’s, church, and Mom’s traditional dinner. Since she’s been gone, I’ve upheld that tradition and cooked the whole meal as she would have. It has been bittersweet, for sure. Christmas morning is my kids' favorite, mainly for the homemade cinnamon rolls! Then, just in time to wrap up brunch and clean up the house, it’s time to host a dinner for my husband’s side of the family. It’s a time of great food and games that lasts up to 7 hours for up to 25 people. There is little room for breathing, reflecting on the season, or relaxing in those days. To say the least, it’s exhausting.

After surviving the holidays and restoring the house, my husband and I decided I could no longer do it all. Something had to change before it completely broke me. Fast forward to this October when I was reminded, once again, that I was going into my dark time. I fought to stay upbeat and not let the darkness hover too low. I’m struggling, but I know that I need to honor myself and my mental health. I have to step back from all the (mainly self-imposed) expectations. 

This year, we are heading to our family lake house for Thanksgiving. A few other family members will be joining us. We're not having the traditional Thanksgiving meal; we’re breaking tradition and plan to have steaks and all the fixings. Christmas traditions are also being broken this year. I’m not saying I’ll never bring some back, but I truly desire to find more JOY in the Christmas season. I want to celebrate and remember that Jesus really is the reason for the season. I want to invite Jesus into every part of the holiday - how it was intended. 

This year has been one of finding and protecting my peace. As a people-pleaser, that is not always easy. We have experienced some deep losses and pain this year. We have been reminded that life is fleeting and short. It helps us see the importance of setting priorities and healthy boundaries.  And equally affirming who should be in our lives.  I am well over halfway through this thing called life. I want to make the best of the rest of it. That means sometimes doing what is best for me (my physical and mental well-being) and for my immediate family. It also means I must break some traditions to protect that time.

What traditions must you break or modify to protect your peace this holiday season? It may not be easy, and you may receive backlash from those around you. But we must believe that we are worth it and that our families deserve a more peaceful and joy-filled us this holiday season.