carnations

I love fresh flowers. They are a great pick-me-up when feeling down, and they brighten up a room.  My husband often has flowers delivered for special occasions, such as our anniversary or my birthday. He usually orders unique and interesting arrangements. I love a colorful and lively variety of flowers. What I don’t like about flowers is that they die so quickly. Roses are the worst for longevity. They are gorgeous, sure, but they don’t last very long, and I feel like the sentiment dies with them. 

Have you ever noticed that the cheap(er) flowers that you pick up at the grocery store actually last much longer? Right now, I’m looking at a bouquet of fall-colored carnations that I’ve had sitting on my counter for nearly 3 weeks now. Yes, THREE weeks! Carnations are hardy flowers, and they get prettier as they blossom. Yes, they are simple but beautiful. 

I was having a bad day, and my husband knew it. He had gone on his weekly Costco run and brought me back a bundle of carnations to cheer me up. At first, I left them lying on the counter, in their cellophane wrapper, because I didn’t want to be cheered up - I wanted to wallow in my anger and hurt a bit longer. Have you ever done that? I’m not proud of it, but nonetheless, I wallowed. After a bit, I realized that my husband hadn’t done anything wrong, and I needed to thank him for the flowers and put them in a vase. I did just that.

Now here we are nearly three weeks later, and the flowers are prettier than the day they were gifted to me.  However, I’m still wallowing. The flowers are a reminder of that. These flowers hold an interesting juxtaposition in my heart - a reminder that I have a husband who cares when I’m down and wants to cheer me up but I am also reminded of another loved one who wounded me with their words and actions. Maybe I’ll let these flowers be my guide as to how long I wallow. Once they die or start stinking, can I stop wallowing? Possibly. I do know I want to move on from this pain, but the steps to move on may make me vulnerable to more hurt.

When we are hurt by someone who is supposed to love us, it can really gnaw away at our hearts and minds. This isn’t the first time I’ve been hurt by a loved one, and I know it won’t be the last. Throughout scripture, God tells us to forgive. But forgiving is so hard! Especially when we’ve been so deeply wounded by hurtful words. In the book of Matthew, we are told that we must forgive in order to be forgiven for our sins. Ouch! 

“But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” Matthew 6:15

I know that I need to allow myself to fully experience and process the emotions that come with being hurt. I’ve been living with those emotions for weeks now. There is a tug at my heart to apologize for something I did not do, just to make peace. But will that help me? No. But just like these flowers will someday need to be thrown out, I need to throw out the bitterness and anger in my heart. I’m not sure what that will look like or how it will be received, but I know I can only control “me,” not the other person. 

So today I will do what I can to throw out my hurt. In the meantime, I will enjoy the last days with these carnations, remembering that the true intent of them was and is to put a smile on my face.