Crossroads.

Crossroads.

Have you ever found yourself at a crossroads in life that left you stuck in your own tracks? What lies before you are too many roads, each darting off into another unknown direction. Some roads look familiar but most require trusting that it is a safe route to where you are headed. You wonder how long you can stay there without making a move. And, what’s holding you there? Is it fear? Is it those voices in your head saying you don’t have the guts to take a risk? Is it someone in your life telling you that you are foolish?

Here I sit, right in the dead center of a crossroads in my own life. It’s not the first time, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. But what do we do when we are here and how do we make that next move, that first step toward the unknown? I know I can’t sit here too long. But, I’m also discovering that it is ok to sit here for a spell. Some time to regroup, plan, pray, weigh the pros and cons, seek wisdom, and just be still. Yikes, that last one is the hardest for me. I know that the best practice for discernment is to be still, sit in that stillness, and listen! I have a hard time doing that. My ADHD compulsion is triggering me to jump - just pick a road and go! Go, without even knowing where the road will lead. That kind of compulsion is ok for small decisions like what dress to wear to a friend’s wedding (go for the black one!). But my current crossroads is bigger than that.

Let me give you some background on how I got to this crossroads. I have worked most of my adult life in various industries and jobs. My education background is in Business Marketing as an undergrad and got my Master’s in Education. For the most part, I’ve used marketing and business skills in almost all of my jobs. I tried the teacher route and quickly learned I love MY children but not so much, others'. However, I love education, as in I have a love for learning and my teaching skills have been a great asset as I’ve trained staff over the years. The last twenty years have been mostly in ministry, churches, and non-profits. After leaving the corporate world, I realized that I wanted to be a part of something positive and life-giving.

Somewhere in those years of working for a bigger purpose, I found myself at a crossroads where I considered going back for another Master’s degree or honing my writing skills, as I have always thought I would write a book someday. After much research, I chose to enroll in a two-year writing course to tap into my writing dreams and see where it took me. I loved the dedicated time to write and research for assignments. It’s been over twelve years since I completed the program. I started a blog and wrote for myself on and off for years. I remember one time I was driving and praying about my writing. I had yet to get anything published, so I asked God to give me a sign if I was really meant to write. Within 24 hours of that prayer, I received an email response from Arianna Huffington of the Huffington Post, several months after submitting a writing sample. The email welcomed me as a HuffPost contributor! God showed up and gave me the sign I asked for.

Here I am several years later and I have YET to write a book, but I’m working on it! I continue to write (ir)regularly for my blog. I also write essays on topics to get heavy things off my chest and out of my head. They don’t get posted anywhere and I’ve been known to print them out and burn them ceremoniously as a way of releasing the angst behind the words on those pages.

On a personal side of my life, I have always been dedicated to taking care of my family. My husband and I have five kids all together in our blended family. Our youngest left home over three years ago to college and we got to experience the joy of being empty-nesters for the first time! That didn’t last too long as seven months into our new chapter, COVID hit and derailed us for some time. Just a few months before sending our baby off to college, I got the devastating news that my mom had ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease). I knew that my mom was going to need help and quickly decided that I’d start spending time each month with her (out of state). I traveled monthly for two years (about 10-14 days at a time) before she lost her brave and heartbreaking battle. Life has a way of keeping us on our toes so we don’t get too comfortable. For me, I used all of these responsibilities and more for reasons why I didn’t work on my book.

We are once again enjoying our empty nest and I recently made the decision to leave my job. Now is the time to stop making excuses for why my book isn’t done! Within days of leaving my job, I was approached with new job opportunities. I believe these were tests! God was clearing my time and my energy and I believe he wanted to make sure I would see that and honor it. I know that God has given me a gift and I really want to honor Him with it. My mom was also my biggest fan and I believe I’ll be letting her down if I don’t get this book written! It’s time for me to take a bold step of faith and trust that God will give me the words, direction, and support to get this book done.

So here I stand at this crossroads. Road One is right there in front of me. God has removed the objects in my way. I am not committed to a job. My children are all grown and left the nest. God has blessed us with some work bonuses recently that cover my lost income. I’ve already received numerous signs over the years that I need to use the gifts I have. I know that this road has some potential hazards. I think the best way to handle them is to expect them, plan for how to overcome them, and trudge forward. Let’s face it, fear is the underlying basis for those hazards. If I know they are coming, I can be prepared to address them and not let them derail me from reaching my goal.

But then there is Road Two. I have had an internal struggle for years that I need to work full-time to do my part to help support our lives. I love to travel and feel that I need to earn that right to spend that kind of money. The truth is that this “feeling” is really just a lie. A lie I’ve told myself for too long. I am learning to come to terms with the fact that my worth is not and will never be measured by what job I hold or by how much money I make! I’m so hard-headed about this that I really need to pound this into my head (figuratively). This road would not get me any closer to my goal of writing my book, in fact, it would further distract me.

Then there is another point of the crossroads, Road Three. This road is covered in guilt. As I look down this road from my current vantage point, I see signs all along the road that say things like, “It’s only a few hours”, “It’s for God”, “You can make a difference”, “They need you”, “But you are so good at it”, and so on. These signs hold my attention and I find them hard to deny. Road Three would have me accept part-time work to help in ministry. I’m concerned that if I choose this road, I would not be honoring myself. I have a tendency to overcommit and I know that I would quickly realize that I haven’t left enough time for my writing and it would again not be a top priority. Even I’m sick of hearing my own excuses. As I process the where, how, and why of each road, it is pretty clear to me what road I need to take. Yes, Road One is the one with the most unknowns. But I also believe it is the clear choice to honor myself, my gifts, and my beloved mom. I need to throw on my armor and deflect the fears that will come my way. So what if it takes two months or two years to get this book finished? It will be time well spent doing what I am being called to do. And so what if when it gets done nobody wants to read it? That is ok! My goal is to get it written and printed however God sees fit.

So, here I am committing myself to sit down regularly to bring my words to life.

Committing to stop making excuses.

Committing to smashing the fears before they get a chance to take hold.

Committing to setting goals along the journey and holding myself accountable.

Committing to seeing this book in print.

Committing to realizing this dream as a reality!

Whatever crossroad you are at right now, I encourage you to stop and consider, 1) where you have been, 2) where you want to go, 3) what options you have, and 4) what is holding you back. Talk it through with God, a trusted friend, a counselor, or anyone you trust that has your best interest at heart. And so what if you fail? We are all going to fall, but we must keep getting back up and trying again. As C.S. Lewis so perfectly stated, “Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement.” I’m prepared to fail, but I’m also prepared to succeed. I will not let failure define me, and neither should you. When I approach the end of my time on this earth, I don’t want to look back and have any regrets. I want to be able to say, I wrote that damn book! That is something to be proud of.